Raising kids and keeping your relationship strong doesn't
come with an instruction booklet. But these tips from clinical psychologist
Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., on how to be a better wife or husband come pretty
close.
"The car in front of you paid your toll."
At first, I felt confused when the toll collector made that
statement. Then I realized he meant that my boyfriend (at the time) paid it for
me. It was at this moment that I thought to myself, "this guy's a
keeper." And I did, in fact, end up marrying him.
The toll was only $1, so that wasn't why I was impressed.
His gesture made me feel that he cared about me and that he was thinking of me.
It reminded me of something you see in a rom-com movie. So I try to reciprocate
that kind of gesture as often as possible.
Next year we will celebrate our 20-year wedding anniversary.
But even sometimes I wonder: how do couples get so far? To learn more about
what makes a healthy marriage, I spoke to relationship expert Alexandra
Solomon, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Loving Bravely. During
her work with couples, she found that the most important aspect of being in a
healthy relationship starts with yourself and your willingness to view marriage
as a classroom.
"We must accept that change is inevitable, and the best
we can do is meet the changes with curiosity instead of resistance," says
Dr. Solomon. "Part of viewing marriage as a classroom is knowing that we
bring our past with us. It's important to be willing to look at how our old
wounds, patterns, and triggers get activated with our partners."
Dr. Solomon offered the following tips to help foster a
healthy relationship with your partner.
Take Care Of Yourself
Being a great spouse is based on making sure your basic
needs—such as eating healthy food, exercising, and getting good sleep—are being
met.
"I know that I am a better wife when I take care of
myself. When I am not getting enough sleep, exercise, and laughter, I feel
bitter and irritable," says Dr. Solomon. "The more stressed out I am,
the more I see my responsibilities to provide care to my husband and teens as a
burden rather than a blessing. When I am burned out, I start to feel like a
victim and that makes me less able to ask for what I need—help, praise, a
break."
Another aspect of self-care is to do things that make you
happy such as going out to lunch with your friends or reading a book.
"We cannot pour from an empty cup, so we need to make
sure we are engaged in activities that provide meaning, connection, and joy. It
is demanding to provide care for others and doing things that feel restorative
and that inspired passion prevents caregiver burnout," says Dr. Solomon.
And if you are feeling overwhelmed it is important to take a
time out instead of making a comment you may regret later.
Connect Through Touch
Dr. Solomon explained that touching your spouse
communicates, "We're on the same team."
"Touch helps couples maintain connection and cushions
the blow of the inevitable daily irritations of family life. It's important for
couples to have all kinds of touch in their relationship, not just a sexual
touch," says Dr. Solomon.
In working with couples Dr. Solomon found that often, touch
is an ask, "Do you want to make love?" which can feel like another
demand on an already-overwhelmed partner. She recommends touching outside the
bedroom which can reduce stress and help couples feel connected.
Make Time For Dates
Dr. Solomon stresses the importance of spending time alone
with your partner especially when you are a parent and/or you have demanding
careers.
"It's so important to remember that you are
partners/lovers/friends and not just two people running the small business that
is your household. If evenings are hard because of kids and jobs, then you
could also meet up during the day," says Dr. Solomon.
Check-In
It is important to check in with each other and to think
about your partner throughout the day. Dr. Solomon recommends that you should
be aware of what your husband or wife is nervous or excited about and then ask
questions about those feelings.
"Having windows into each other's world's builds
connection," says Dr. Solomon.
Give Them The Benefit
Of The Doubt
Dr. Solomon suggests that if you feel upset about something
your partner did, approach them in a descriptive rather than accusatory way.
She recommends thinking about, "this is what happened, and this the story
I'm telling myself about what happened."
"Your efforts to separate the facts from your
interpretation of the facts will go a long way toward getting you more of what
you want and need—validation, recognition, accountability, empathy—and less of
what you don't want—defensiveness, counter-complaint," she said.
If you are the one that did something wrong then take
responsibility for it and apologize.
Your Partner Isn't
You
When you feel upset about an issue Dr. Solomon recommends
saying, "I'm feeling upset by this thing you did. Can you help me
understand what's going on for you?"
She says that by approaching the situation with curiosity
instead of judgment means that you understand that your husband has a different
way of perceiving the world. This will reduce conflicts and led to a better
relationship.
"Happy couples accept that they are two different
people and approach misunderstandings with curiosity rather than
accusation," says Dr. Solomon.
Disagreement=Opportunity
In working with couples Dr. Solomon found that couples that
have a healthy married view disagreements as an opportunity to understand their
partner's internal world instead of a fight that needs to be "won."
Ask, Don't Assume
If something is important, ask for it. Some of Dr. Solomon's
clients will push back on this idea saying, "If I have to ask for it, it's
meaningless." But she says that is a mistake since people aren't
mind-readers. She further explains that when we don't ask for what we want, our
need ends up coming out sideways, usually in the form of a complaint.
Cheryl Maguire holds a
Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is married and is the mother of
twins and a daughter. Her writing has been published in The New York Times,
Parents magazine, AARP, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Count Your Blessing and Your
Teen Magazine.
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