I’m officially in the fourth week of social distancing in a
tiny Manhattan apartment with my boyfriend of almost two years, and it feels
like the world’s longest sleepover in the twilight zone.
Coronavirus has taken its toll across the United States,
hitting our state of New York the hardest, and it’s safe to say we’re feeling a
lot. We’ve had the livelihoods of our friends and families put on the line, and
and our fast-paced, hypersocial lifestyles are on hold indefinitely. We’re
learning to adapt to our new way of life while learning a lot more about each
other in the process: how we deal with our emotions, how we prioritize
cleanliness, and now, since we're both working from home, how we behave with
our co-workers.
Through disagreements, difficult conversations, and extended
periods of seeing each other’s faces, I’m wondering how we—and other
couples—intend to manage time in such close quarters. According to Bloomberg
News, Chinese marriage registration offices are reporting an increase in
divorce filings, now that the country is coming out of extended quarantine.
Does this serve as a warning to the rest of the world?
New York City-based divorce lawyer Scott Orgel, of Eiges
& Orgel, PLLC, says that he’s seen a significant rise in family dispute
consultations (via the internet or phone calls) since mass quarantines began.
“More people are accepting that the person that they thought they enjoyed being
with just isn’t the one for them anymore,” he says. “When you're stuck with
someone you don't want to live with, three weeks can feel like a lifetime.”
Hoping to get a more positive take on how self-isolation is
affecting couples, I reached out relationship experts. In their view,
quarantine doesn’t have to mean doom for your marriage or relationship. Here’s
what I learned about “coronavirus-proofing” your love in uncertain times.
Create some structure
for yourself and each other
“Most people are simply not together all day, married or
not,” Gail Saltz, MD, clinical psychiatrist and voice behind the Personology
podcast, tells Health. So when you're suddenly thrown together and forced to
upend your usual separate routine and habits, it can lead to unease and
potential conflict. “Creating some semblance of structure and individuality in
your daily schedule can help,” says Dr. Saltz.
If you’re used to waking up, exercising, and making a cup of
coffee, do it. Stick to your regular day-to-day as much as possible, or develop
a routine that feels uniquely yours in this time of change—and give your
partner the freedom to do that as well. Structure lends a sense of order to
your time together, and that helps you feel productive and positive.
Talk out your
anxieties and fears
Between scary headlines about hospital shortages and fears
for loved ones who are more at risk of COVID-19, we're all in a heightened state
of alarm. “Anxiety is driving a lot of
people's irritability right now and creating a crucible for the worst of what’s
occurring in your relationship,” says Dr. Saltz. Recognizing the specific
anxieties that are fueling interactions with your partner—and then talking
about them—can help diffuse the panic.
However, stick to talking out your anxieties during a
specific time of day. “These kinds of conversations can definitely permeate
every hour of the day and take a toll psychologically on your relationship,”
says Terri Orbuch, PhD, author of 5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage From
Good To Great and professor at Oakland University in Michigan. “Setting aside
time to talk about it daily keeps it from spilling over into other parts of
your life and causing more stress.”
Embrace that you and
your partner may be more different than you thought
You like to watch the latest news about the virus every
morning, but your partner absolutely hates it. You wash dishes after every
meal, but your partner lets them pile up until the end of the day. Does
realizing you don't share the same TV or kitchen cleanup habits mean you’re
over? Not exactly. “Differences can bring excitement to relationships, and we
can share those passions with our partners,” says Orbuch. “Those differences
doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. What’s mainly important is that your
underlying core values are similar.” If you’re curious about your partner’s
core values, now is the time to really pay attention and talk about them.
Carve out time to
have fun together
Studies show that laughter can help reduce stress, so why
not turn on your favorite Adam Sandler movie or play your number one childhood
board game? “Consider this a time to get to know and appreciate your partner
again,” says Orbuch. Do things that you enjoy together, anything that will get
you smiling and relieve stress. Having fun or just relaxing helps you remember
why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.
Give each other
space, physically and emotionally
Social distancing as a couple means a lot of face time.
That's tough for even the tightest couples—and leaving the house for a walk or
grocery store run isn't always enough of a break. Alone time is healthy and
necessary, but you may have to ask for it.
“Don't say ‘I need space,’ that's a confusing message,” says
Orbuch. Privacy and space can occur in the same house, or even the same room.
“Say instead ‘I need some time to do XYZ,’ or ‘Can I have two hours to read a
book on the sofa this afternoon?’ A specific request doesn't send a confusing
signal. Enjoy your me-time and don't feel guilty about it.”
When things get hard,
take a breather
No relationship is perfect, and we’re all stressed right
now, so conflict is inevitable. “People are looking for solutions to how they
feel, and they may think it means getting away from the people they were with
when they felt this,” says Dr. Saltz. “When you feel your anger or anxiety
spiking, take a beat for yourself before you say or do something that’s hard to
take back.”
Go to another room (or even just the corner of the room your
sharing) and listen to soothing music, write out your emotions in a letter or
text message to your partner and don’t send it, or sit on your fire escape or
front porch if you really need some air. Always remember to come back to the
catalyst for your feelings when negative emotions are high. “If it's much more
difficult now, that doesn't mean it will be more difficult when this is over,”
she adds.
At the end of it all,
remember that there can be positive outcomes for relationships that make it
through quarantine—like learning to appreciate the little things about your
partner. For example, “waking up with each other and saying ‘I see you,’ ‘I
love you,’ and ‘thank goodness I have you,’” muses Orbuch. “Because of the outer
world, the stresses and people dying and getting sick, we'll come out of this
more appreciative.”
Another positive is using the quarantine as a way to build
or even rebuild your bond to your partner. “There is something life-affirming
about connecting or reconnecting with someone,” says Dr. Saltz. “That life can
go on.”
(Health.com)
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