No one goes into marriage thinking they'll get divorced; on
your wedding day, you vow to stick with your partner for better or worse. But
unfortunately, no matter how much love and promise a couple starts out with,
relationships can sour, and couples end up getting unhitched for a number of
reasons.
An intriguing new study of people who recently split with
their spouse took a closer look at some of those reasons, shedding light on the
most common factors that cause couples to go their separate ways.
The study, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital
Therapy, surveyed 2,371 recently divorced people, asking them to select more
than one reason for their split. The top response, answered by 47% of
participants, was a lack of love or intimacy, either because one or both
partners fell out of love.
The second most common reason: communication problems. About
44% of participants chose this answer. The researchers explained that this
could mean each spouse had a different communication style, or that one preferred
to communicate less than the other.
Coming in third was a lack of sympathy, respect, or trust,
with 34% of participants selecting this reason. Growing apart ranked fourth,
with 32% of people picking this option. The researchers said this could mean
each spouse developed different values, or they wanted to do something else
with their lives that they didn't anticipate back when they headed to the
altar.
What do the researchers make of these responses? They noted
that the answers the study participants cited tended to be emotional and
personal, while the reasons people divorced in years past were typically based
on a spouse's behavior.
"The four most frequently given motives by respondents
in our study could be considered to reflect romantic, emotional, and interpersonal
aspects of the former relationship," the researchers wrote.
"Accordingly, these findings are seen as supporting more recent research
findings that behavioral motives such as violence and addiction have declined
over time while psychological and emotional divorce motives have
increased."
Basically, we live in an era when personal satisfaction is
important—and if a marriage isn't satisfying us because we don't feel like
we're on the same page as our partner or the romance has gone MIA, divorce may
be an acceptable option.
So what are signs that these issues could be arising in your
own relationship? "If you're not happy, are being reactive or shorter with
your partner, or notice significant changes in the relationship, pay
attention—these could be red flags," Rachel Needle, PsyD, codirector of
Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in Florida, tells Health. Other warning signs
include "being less affectionate, less kind to each other, spending less
time together, stonewalling each other, or assuming the worst about your
partner," Needle adds.
To prevent these problems, "spend at least 10 minutes a
day connecting," Needle says. "This doesn’t mean talking about work or
the children, but instead it's about continuing to get to know each other,
sharing feelings or experiences, or just being present."
She also suggests scheduling monthly check-ins with your
partner. "During your check-ins, you can discuss how you're feeling in the
relationship, what you might need from your partner, and share things you
appreciate about them." The goal is for both spouses to feel listened to
and valued, which in turn keeps the marriage satisfying and fulfilling.
(Health.com)
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