You may think you know how to be a supportive friend in a
time of loss, grief, and devastation.
But a new report suggests many of us - particularly in the
era of social media - may be off the mark.
Glaringly, the research, a special report by WebMD, found
most people who are grieving find social media posts or messages about their
loss to be either pointless, irritating or actively distressing - in fact,
barely anyone thought they were a good idea.
Even offline, though, most people feel pressure to be cheery
and breezy after three months, when in reality it takes vast majority up to a
year later to come to terms with their loss.
The survey of over 1,000 US adults found more than two
thirds had grieved in the past three years - many for reasons besides losing a
loved-one, including the loss of a career, of a friend, of possessions, of good
health.
Many experienced symptoms that might not typically be
associated with grief - some solely feeling anger and no sadness, some
inexplicably tired, many developing physical symptoms, such as insomnia.
So you can you help a friend in need? And how can you give
yourself time, space, and understanding when grieving? Dr Seth J Gillihan, a
psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania and WebMD contributor,
spoke to DailyMail.com about the pitfalls we all have a tendency to fall into,
and how to curb our somewhat unhelpful instincts.
'It's so common,' Dr Gillihan sighed. 'We all try to do one
of two things.'
First, we spring into action.
'We try to fix the person's grief, to take it away, either
by minimizing it, saying "I'm surprised you're so upset!", or by
trying to offer advice - "this was helpful to my aunt when she lost her
husband,"' Gillihan explains.
All of it may be 'very well-intentioned, nice things,' he
says, 'but it comes across as dismissive.'
Second, we disappear.
'We do too much but we also do too little. We show up right
away, we say "I'm so sorry," "everything happens for a
reason," "maybe you should read this book."'
'Then after a relatively short period of time, we
disappear.'
The survey found some common gestures offered to many people
experiencing grief: saying 'it could be worse', recommending that they move on,
offering unsolicited advice on how to handle their grief, or posting on social
media.
Rarely were those tactics effective - making 46 percent, 42
percent, 33 percent and 41 percent feel worse, respectively.
But, Dr Gillihan explains, slipping into these unhelpful
approaches doesn't make you a ham-handed emotional amateur; even professional
therapists are still developing their understanding of how to best to help
people through grief.
Fifty years ago, Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American
psychiatrist, radically suggested that we should acknowledge and give space to
grief, rather than brushing it under the carpet, as was custom.
However, in doing so, she published a stage-specific guide:
'the stages of grief,' in 1969 in her seminal book On Death & Dying.
It was groundbreaking, mainly because it suggested that we
should be open about our weakness in the wake of a loss.
She said we should recognize each moment of grief, and dedicate
time to dealing with that pain. According to Kubler-Ross, after we lose a
loved-one, we experience (in order): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and
acceptance.
It was controversial then, and is controversial now, but for
different reasons.
These days, the biggest gripe is that it is so rigid. Most
disagree with the idea that grief could be at all logical.
Grief is incredibly nuanced, incredibly personal, and
complex to master - whether you're experiencing it, or witnessing someone go
through it.
As the WebMD report found, grief can manifest itself in many
different, and sometimes surprising ways, and can linger for longer than we, or
those around us, expected.
Having a step-by-step guide to what you might feel can be
comforting, it steels you for the possibility that you may feel different
things over time. But it can also feel prescriptive, and can lead you to
question whether you're grieving 'right.'
Today, there is a widespread understanding that the
Kubler-Ross model is perhaps too rigid, but Dr Gillihan suspects 'it is more
common' than a more nuanced approach. If you are grieving, 'make space for your
own grieving process, and don't question whether you're grieving right,' Dr
Gillihan says, and 'trust in your inherent wisdom of your mind and spirit. Go
along with it.'
For those outside of the therapist's office - a close
friend, a loose friend, a colleague, an old classmate, a lover, an admirer -
social media can be just as comforting a tool for your own emotions as
Kubler-Ross's guide is to the grieving. Posting a tribute or sending a message
of condolence is a tangible way to express that you care when you're not sure
how best to help that person.
It is, in some ways, human nature, Dr Gillihan says, to try
and wrap up the situation and tie it with a bow.
'Instead of sitting with the person and just bearing
witness, we - because of our own discomfort with loss - want to rush through
that process.'
Try, he says, to be a familiar presence - someone, reliable,
around, contactable. Someone they can talk to about The Bachelor, their
commute, that annoying colleague - and, if they want to, their loss.
'If you show up more often, and do less each time, in effect
you are doing more,' Dr Gillihan said.
'Be less active but more present. Just sitting with the
person to be a listening ear if they want to talk about anything, or watching
TV with them.
'Maybe they don't want to talk about their loss, and have a
break, feel 'normal.'
'The guiding principle is making space, saying less and
rather than talking or doing things, just being there.'
(Daily Mail)
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