DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend caught me in bed with his best mate.
That was nine months ago but he still does not trust me.
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 23. We met at catering college.
He is tall, dark and very good-looking. We are both outgoing — the life and
soul of any party — and everyone says we are a good fit.
His best mate invited us to his 21st birthday bash, which
was a barbecue at his parents’ house. I’d only briefly met his mate before but
he was really nice. My boyfriend was in charge of the booze and me and his mate
started talking about swimming. We have both swum for local club teams.
I know it’s a cliche but he invited me to his room to see
his trophies. I had no ulterior motive whatsoever. We just kept chatting and
laughing and downing the bottle of wine we had with us. I suppose you could say
we were flirting a bit too.
I can’t remember which one of us leaned forward first but
suddenly we started kissing. He had on my favourite after-shave and when he
said, “Shall we?” I just said, “Yes!”
It was just quickie sex but as we were lying there on the
bed afterwards, the door opened. There stood my boyfriend. I will never forget
the look on his face. We went downstairs straight away, and he was nowhere to
be seen. He’d gone off for a walk.
When he came back his mate took him aside and said he was to
blame, and it was just a stupid mistake. My boyfriend seemed OK, certainly with
his mate, but when we got to mine later, he just went on and on.
Eventually he said he forgave me but I know from the looks
he gives me when other guys are around that he has not forgotten.
What do I need to do to regain his trust?
DEIDRE SAYS: You have not forgotten the look on your
boyfriend’s face and he’s not forgotten the shock it gave him to see you on the
bed in his best mate’s arms either. He must have had a whole load of strong
emotions kick in.
Instead of venting his anger on his mate who also betrayed
his trust, he forgave him but then he threw both barrels of his anger at you.
Maybe he has the hypocritical attitude that women are the ones who lead men on
and are therefore to blame for cheating.
It is time to move on but that requires him to be willing to
do so too. Tell him to ask for a loving hug rather than look daggers at you.
Either you really can draw a line under the past and let it
go or he is going to bring about what he fears most, which is losing you.
My leaflet Coping With Jealousy can help you both.
Credits: The Sun
Deidre Sanders
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