Tunde Mabinuori
Below are some steps
you can follow to manage conflicts in your home
1. Have Faith in God
Develop enough belief and faith in God. He
will see you through the present marriage storm you are in. Most, if not all
successes are not dependent on Good contrary to what many think. Rather, they
are dependent on people who can believe God enough for what they want. If you
can trust Him enough, then you will have your desired solution.
2.
Pray for
God’s Intervention
Prayer is the power that moves the hands of
God. It has been proven over the years that most conflicts and
break up in many
homes are products of spiritual afflictions. And such can be better handled
through fervent intercessions.
3.
Respect
Bible Authority
Respect for Biblical principles and
authorities are very crucial to conflict resolution in Christendom. Where one
or both parties do not respect or believe in the authority of the servant of
God and that of the Bible, one cannot make headway with resolving such
conflicts.
4.
Maintain
and Express Commitment to the Marriage
In it all, if both parties hold on
to their marriage commitments, there will always be a way out of every problem.
5.
Thank God
(1 Thess 5:18) In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ
concerning you.
There is no better thing to do than to
praise God especially in situations one can do practically nothing about.
6.
Identify
and define the problem
Describe the problem in ways which are not
based on critique or disdain. “I” statements are the most effective way of
formulating a problem. This means that you start with your own feelings and
ideas. Be an active listener, let your partner state his/her views, try to
understand what he/she is saying, and ask questions to ensure that you have not
misunderstood something. Understanding the views of your partner can cause you
to see the problem in a new way. But do not suppress your own feelings. If you
do not say what you feel, he/she may not be motivated to resolve the problem.
Ensure that the other party understands that you have to find a resolution
which satisfies both needs – a solution where no one is a loser, a so-called
win-win solution.
7.
Propose
different solutions
It is not always easy to immediately see
the best solution. Ask your spouse to start proposing solutions- you will have
time to propose your ideas later on. Employ active listening techniques and
respect the ideas of the other person. Try to list several different solutions,
before evaluating and discussing them.
8.
Set your
goals
You should try to set a precise goal of
your efforts. This should be a realistic aim of improvement (not “I want to
feel better”). Ask yourself: “what do I want to change or achieve right now?”
9.
Evaluate
the different solution options
Be frank and critical, use active listening.
Consider all consequences.
Now it is time to think about the positive
or negative consequences of all possible alternatives. Think about any outcome
or difficulties of your approaches. I have heard of several instances whereby
women pack out of their husbands’ houses at the slightest provocation.
This step can be split into sub steps:
a.
What are the advantages? It is better to look at
the advantages before looking at the disadvantages, since if you start looking
at the disadvantages you may get so disillusioned that you cannot think of any
advantage.
b.
Where are the risks, what case is needed, what
problems can occur? A woman who wants to pack out of her husband’s house should
ask such questions.
c.
C. How do you intuitively feel about the
alternatives?
10.
Make a
decision
Make your choice of one possible
alternative! It is importance to make a clear
choice and define a time limit for an attempt to reach your goal. A common
agreement on a solution is necessary. The solution must be specified in such a
way that both parties understand it, Do not try to persuade or press your
partner to accept a certain solution. If he/she is not able to freely select as
a solution which, he or she can accept, there is a risk that nothing will be
improved.
11.
Carry out
the solution
Immediately after having agreed on a
solution, it is usually necessary to discuss how to implement it. Who will do
what, and when? If your partner does not adhere to what you have agreed on, you
should confront them with “I” statements. But do not again and again remind your
partner of his/her tasks- this will cause him/her to rely on your reminders
instead of taking responsibility for the behaviour.
12.
Perform a
follow-up evaluation
Sometimes, you may find that there are
weaknesses in the solution. Both parties should be willing to revise decisions,
but this should be done together, not by one of you alone. You have to agree on
all changes to the solution-just as you have to agree on the original solution.
By “active listening”, is meant techniques where
you check that you have understood what other people meant by rephrasing their
views, checking that they agree with your understanding of their views, and
asking check questions when needed.
Pastor Tunde Mabinuori is the
Minister-in-Charge, Rhema Chapel International Church, Oluyole Estate, Ibadan
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