Tunde Mabinuori
When people do things for reasons aside from the right ones,
it inevitably results in problems. Some people go into marriage for reasons
which negate the purpose of marriage.
Some build unrealistic expectations and they eventually get
disappointed and are unable to bear the pain.
In my years of marriage counseling, I have been able to
identify the underlisted wrong reasons as major determinants of decisions to
get married by people.
1.
To
overcome loneliness
There is a big difference between being alone and
loneliness. God did not give Adam a wife because he was lonely, but
because he was alone. Adam was alone in his world. (Gen 2:18). To be alone
means to be separated from others, exclusive of anyone or anything else,
solitary. Loneliness on the other hand is an emotional state of feeling of
unhappiness or sadness because of lack of people around one. It is a feeling of
bleakness and desolation.
Loneliness is not just the absence of
people around you; rather it is the negative emotional feelings attached to the
absence of people around you. It is even possible to be around people and still
feel lonely.
Loneliness is a negative feeling that must
be conquered before you get married. It is possible to be married and still be
lonely. Marriage can solve the problem of being alone but definitely not
loneliness. A man/woman who cannot overcome loneliness before marriage will
evidently carry it into his/her marital life.
2.
To escape
unhappy parental home
Are you having problems with your family
members and eager to get married so as to get away from them as quickly as
possible? Beloved, you will do well to sort out your relational problem before
marriage.
This is because even after marriage, you
will still have to relate with your family members and in addition, to your
spouse’s family members. You cannot avoid people. You have to work on your
relational skills. Marriage is not an escape route.
Another unhappy family condition that some
people seek to run away from is poverty. You have to learn to be in control of
yourself at all times. If you get married to someone rich and along the line a
financial problem develops, would you seek to run elsewhere again? Your key to
living successfully is to master or be in control of every situation or
circumstance you find yourself.
(1 John 5:4) says “For whatsoever is born of God overcomes the world: and this is the
victory that overcomes the world, even our faith”.
If running away from the family house
becomes the strongest motivation for marriage, the tendency to get hooked to
the wrong person is very high.
What happens if the same problem you are
running away from shows up in your marriage? Do you start running again?
3.
Because
they think that they are old enough to be married
Maturity is not a function of age. There
are 38-year-old men who are not mature enough to be married, and there are
25-year-old men who have exhibited a good sense of maturity and are ready for
marriage. The fact that most people of your age group are married does not mean
you should as well be married; you have to develop the maturity required to
keep a home. The following areas of life, if developed will help improve your
maturity level:
a.
Intellectual development
b.
Vision
c.
Exposure
d.
Financial ability
4.
Because
they don’t want to stay single forever
Many
young folks are ruled by the fear of staying single forever. As a result they
are driven with a strong passion to get a mate at any cost. In the process they
make wrong choices. Some of them end up in a lifetime of misery, sorrow, pain
and anguish.
Some regret their marriage and wish to return
to their single days. Don’t rush into marriage because of the fear of remaining
single forever. The unholy sense of urgency to marry, in many cases, impairs
your sense of judgment. At the end of the day, the haste may not be worth it. A
marriage contracted in this manner will automatically breed problems in the
future.
5.
Strong
desire to be parents at an early age:
Some people map out plans on what to do at
certain stages in life. Let us look at a typical example:
A.
25 years of age – Get married
B.
26 years of age – get first baby
C.
30 years old – have third and last child
D.
55th birthday – last child should be
out of the university (and get freedom from responsibility of bringing up
children) and live a life of serenity.
People that are strong minded in fulfilling this kind of dream sometimes do
not take into consideration God’s timing. They go ahead to get married at 25 years
of age even if the atmosphere is not ripe for it. When there is a little delay
especially in the area of childbirth, the continuity of their marriage becomes
seriously threatened.
While it is good to have good plans for one’s life, one must always put
into consideration the place of God in it all.
It is always best to align yourself with the timing and the ultimate will
of God for your life.
6. Because she got pregnant:
Unexpected pregnancy resulting from
pre-marital sex has forced many incompatible couples together as husband and
wife. The foundation of many marital problems stem from the way in which the
marriages were contracted. Two people with different expectations of who their
spouses should be are forced to get married to each other.
While some pregnancy induced marriages have
worked out well in some cases, in others, the consequences have turned out to
be disastrous.
Pastor Tunde Mabinuori is the Minister-in-charge, Rhema Chapel
International Churches, Oluyole Estate, Ibadan
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