Tunde Mabinuori
Courtship is that part that precedes the real marriage. It
is a stage where both parties are expected to create time to know each other
and plan towards their wedding. Every relationship, in the beginning, is new
and exciting. You look forward to every phone call and hearing each other’s
voice. You can’t wait for the next date and the time you’ll spend together.
However, there are some truths you have to know.
1. All your expectations may not be met in
your relationship.
At a singles’ meeting held in one church in
the United
States, singles were asked to write down their expectations about
marriage. Below is a summary of their expectations:
1.
I
expect someone to share my burdens,
concerns, joy and laughter often.
2.
I
expect someone to support me
emotionally, financially and spiritually.
3.
I
expect someone to reflect my taste
and values.
4.
I
expect someone to amplify my
strengths and offset my weaknesses.
5. I expect someone to be responsible for my
personal happiness and complete me.
6. I expect someone to know my
every thought before I say it.
7. I expect I we will have sex anytime I desire
it.
8. I expect I can change what I don’t
like later.
9. I expect never-ending support, respect
and loyalty.
10. I expect we will have a perfect
relationship.
While these
expectations may appear realistic, they
are myths, and they most likely will set you up for disappointment,
feelings of anger, boredom and loneliness. Few marriages live up to these standards.
Each expectation is about “me” – there is no room for “we”.
When expectations are unrealistic and you look to a future spouse to meet every
need and fill up the emptiness inside, you’ve emotionally set yourself up for dissatisfaction.
The biggest lie our culture feeds us is this: a soul mate is
out there waiting for you and they’ll bring true satisfaction to your life.
The perfect soul mate will not be found in a future spouse
but in Jesus Christ. He’s the one that brings excitement and adventure to your
life and fills up the empty hole in your heart.
He’s there to meet every emotional, relational, physical and
spiritual need a spouse cannot meet.
2.
Passions
will change: It is hard to believe right now, but there is a possibility
the passion you have for each other will change.
Is diminishing passion something to expect?
No. Changing passion is. Can passion for each other last a lifetime?
Absolutely.
In marriage, passion and praise go hand-in-hand.
Without words of praise, passion dies and without passion, praise dies.
Reckless
words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of wise people brings healing
(Proverbs 12:18).
There will be a time when unkind words will
be exchanged which will pierce the heart. Your response can either build
passion or destroy it.
If you say “thank you”, “you did a great
job” and “I love you”, it builds passion and creates feelings of love and
respect. When love and respect are experienced in marriage – passion thrives.
When words are used that tear down,
belittle and make you feel superior – passion dies.
That’s where you have a choice.
Keep the passion alive and thriving for a
lifetime, or slowly kill it with harsh words.
3.
There
will be conflicts: Conflicts are signs that a relationship is thriving. A
lady who had just started a relationship (about two weeks) with a fantastic
brother and was basking in the euphoria of it all said “I expect that if we
truly love each other, we’ll never argue”.
Eight months into the courtship however,
she was overheard telling someone “there is one thing I can absolutely guarantee
in any relationship – conflict”.
Conflict is a good thing. It means you’re
negotiating and working through your differences. If you are avoiding conflicts
at all costs, then you are not working through issues – you’re avoiding them.
We long for and expect perfection. Yet,
when we look in the mirror, perfection doesn’t stare back at us. Two broken and
sinful people do not make a perfect couple. They make a flawed couple that need
to strive towards making their relationship better every day. Because of
differences, negotiation needs to happen – and that means conflict!
Align your expectations realistically.
Discuss expectations together to determine
if they can be experienced, or if they’ll need adjustment. Then you can look
forward to a healthier marriage.
Pastor Mabinuori is the Minister-in-Charge, Rhema
Chapel International Churches, Oluyole Estate, Ibadan.
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