I let my wife see her lover in Gambia but I feel suicidal every time she goes

DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE encouraged my wife to keep seeing her lover in Gambia. I feel suicidal every time she goes, but I can’t give her the ultimatum that either she ends it or I leave.

She met her lover when she went for a winter-sun break with her sister this time last year. It was my 40th birthday present to her. I am 43 and our kids are 12 and 14, a girl and a boy.

Our marriage hadn’t been good for a while. After a major row she said I wasn’t giving her the love she needed. I was scared of losing her and started treating her like a princess. The holiday treat was part of that.

She met this younger man over there. He’s 31 and wants to train to be a doctor. She’s completely fallen for him. She’s like a teenager when she talks about him, but she doesn’t want to tear the children’s lives apart, so she’s promising not to leave me.

However, she’s been back to see him three times. I encouraged her because I can see how much she loves him, but I feel suicidal while she’s gone. The children know about him and they hate him.

They have sex — I know because I found a video on her phone from when she was away. She says she is in love with him, but she realises she would have a hard time financially if we split up.

We haven’t had sex for months. I’m not usually an idiot but I feel I’m being taken for one. I’ve tried to leave her but I just can’t.

She says we should work on our relationship. I asked her to be honest with me and she says she does love me but she isn’t in love with me.

Do I just need a reality check?

DEIDRE SAYS: You both do. Talk over with your wife how she and this guy could actually be together.

Is he assuming she will be his passport to a better lifestyle? Has he the education to become a doctor or is it just a dream?

They will have very different expectations of an actual relationship, and chances of anything working long-term are remote.

Meanwhile, your wife’s mid-life crisis is creating emotional havoc for your kids and you are colluding with her.

Tell her you’ve both got to stop acting like teenagers yourselves and be responsible parents.

She must stop seeing the guy in Gambia and break off all contact while you focus on your children, reassuring them, having fun with them, and putting them at the centre of your lives.

Your relationship will start strengthening as you bond over this, but do also arrange counselling so you can work out why you both got so sucked into this holiday romance drama – and how you can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Credits: Deidre Sanders

The Sun