You’ve probably heard the term “emotional intelligence” over the last few years, as it’s become a fairly typical topic of discussion in the workplace. For one of my clients (I’ll call her “Sue”), her boss told her that she needed to work on improving her emotional intelligence. But what exactly did that mean, Sue wondered.
Let me take a quick step back to explain the concept of emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and journalist, used the term in his book, Emotional Intelligence (and in many books and articles since then). In his research at companies around the world, Goleman realized that successful leaders weren’t just intelligent (had a high IQ), they also had a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ) as defined by these five components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skill.
When her boss told her, during her performance review, that she needed to work on improving her emotional intelligence, Sue was surprised. No previous manager had ever given her this feedback, and she didn’t know how to respond to the comment while she was sitting in her review.
We talked about the concept of emotional intelligence and each of the five components. But what Sue lacked were some examples of the areas in which her boss was seeing issues. Sue felt nervous about approaching her manager for this information, so we talked about ways she could obtain examples, such as: “I wanted to follow-up on a topic we discussed during my performance appraisal. You mentioned that you would like me to work on improving my emotional intelligence. Would you provide me with a few examples of times where you felt I could improve in this area?”
From that discussion, here were the examples Sue’s manager provided:
- Sue had recently completed several tasks behind schedule, but didn’t seem to realize how this had negatively impacted several colleagues with their projects.
- Last week, Sue had allowed her frustration with another employee to escalate into an angry argument outside her cubicle, disrupting the work of employees in nearby cubicles.
- During staff meetings, Sue has a habit of sharing her opinions, to
the point of interrupting and even talking over quieter coworkers.
The examples provided by Sue’s boss mainly fell into the first two categories of emotional intelligence: self-awareness and self-regulation. In talking through the examples from her manager, Sue admitted that she wasn’t always aware of how her behavior at work was impacting others. So we decided to focus on techniques that would help her better regulate her behavior and identify her emotions. For example:
- Timelines: Begin providing regular updates to all those affected by key tasks and projects. This includes providing adequate warnings when falling behind and brainstorming options for getting back on track.
- Emotions: Begin trying to recognize internal feelings and emotions throughout the day. Whenever Sue feels herself becoming frustrated or angry, take a time out from the situation before it escalates. These quick time outs provide an opportunity to separate emotions from work, and will help Sue avoid angry outbursts.
- Behavior: Because strong personalities can sometimes overwhelm quieter co-workers, avoid interrupting others during meetings. When sharing opinions, look for ways to incorporate others’ ideas, such as: “I really like the idea that Pam just mentioned. I think we might be able to build on that by also incorporating…” Also, purposely solicit the comments of introverts: “John had some great feedback last week. Is there anything you believe that we’ve forgotten to consider, John?”
Sue is a great example of how emotional intelligence can be learned. She had to break a few poor behavior/communication habits, but over time, Sue was able to improve her relationships with coworkers as well as her boss. You can too.
Lisa Quast, author of the book, Secrets of a Hiring Manager Turned Career Coach: A Foolproof Guide to Getting the Job You Want. Every Time.
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