-Tunde Mabinuori
Marriage is the most complex of relationships and it usually
takes effort to have a great marriage.
I have tried here to highlight some things which I call
intimacy killers, things that can rob us of the joy of the sexual pleasure God
intended for us.
1.
Fatigue
and stress: Sexual desire is a product of te energy derived from proper
nutrition, exercise and sleep. All these affect the energy available for sexual
involvement. Couples must be willing to adjust priorities and establish new
habits that will reinforce intimacy.
Habits and lifestyles allow fatigue and
busyness to crowd out intimacy and the spontaneous joys of marriage. Couples
with large families, many responsibilities, and unending house chores may find
stress and fatigue to be a problem. Noting kills intimacy faster than these.
Couples can enjoy sexual fulfillment when they know themselves intimately, are
both trustworthy, trusting, and plan for sexual intimacy, allotting more time
to connect on a daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly basis.
2.
Guilt: This
is when we bring wrong and damaging past actions and attitudes into the
present, and find they sabotage our present experience and relationship with
our spouse. (E.g. a woman who has aborted several pregnancies or was a victim
of rape). Whether it happened yesterday
or the last decade, the past must be dealt with before we can go forward. This
is the beauty of asking for forgiveness!
3.
Pornography:
95% of viewers of pornography are male and wives often underestimate the effect
of such on their relationship.
Habitual
viewing of pornography sets up two formidable walls between couples:
devastating guilt and unrealistic sexual expectations. Husbands naturally feel
guilty about a pornographic addiction, and usually try to hide it from their
wives; of course, this dishonesty makes experiencing genuine intimacy almost
impossible.
All
the rationalizing, explaining away, or defending of actions won’t change
the fact that a husband addicted to pornography can’t be intimate with his
wife. The woman cannot win the competition with her husband’s fantasies.
4.
Effects
of previous relationships: It is not easy for any new couple who has experienced
a bad relationship to easily love again. It simply takes time and effort for
trust to grow and eventually blossom into intimacy.
5.
Different
reasoning patterns: It has been said that men approach life like mechanics
and women approach life like farmers. A man sees a relationship as a machine,
if it is not working as it should, he wants to quickly get a new part, stick it
in, and get the ting up and running again! A woman, on the other hand, tends to
see a relationship as a garden that is growing, requiring nurture and
attention. Intimacy grows just like that garden. A woman doesn’t just wake up
and desire sex. It has to be a planned activity, sometimes as early as hours
before, whereas a man is all set and ready to go anytime.
Compromise is necessary in order for both
parties to be happy. When a husband’s needs are stronger than his wife’s, he
does not have to demand intercourse at every whim. For her part, she should be
willing to go out of her way to meet his needs as an expression of her love for
him. A sexually satisfied person is easier to live with tan one who is not.
Pastor Tunde Mabinuori is the
Minister-in-charge, Rhema Chapel International Churches, Oluyole Estate, Ibadan
e-mail: tundemabinuori@gmail.com
Comments
Post a Comment