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Tunde Mabinuori
A recent study in America showed that spousal abuse is just
as common in the church as anywhere else. This means that about 25 percent of
Christian homes witness abuse some kind of.
It is virtually impossible for any Christian family to be
strong when one or more of its members live in fear of being hit, maimed, or
killed in their own home by one of their own.
The church can help reduce abuse among its members in the
following ways:
1.
Proactiveness
– The Church can make the goal of ending domestic abuse a prominent part of
their ministry by being proactive, i.e. by talking about it from the pulpit and
in church bulletins, sponsoring plays that confront the topic head-on and
calling it what it is, an “intolerable sin.”
2.
Balanced
teaching- Often, men who abuse their wives use Scriptures like – “Wives,
submit yourselves unto your own husbands” as a justification for their abuse.
This is sin, and pastors need to confront
this head-on. The church needs to replace this lie with Christ’s view of
marriage i.e. to teach the true meaning of “Husbands, love your wives just as
Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25).
Tell your church that nowhere in the Bible
does God give men the right to hit their wives or vice versa. Any view of
marriage that does not emphasize love and respect between husbands and wives is
a misrepresentation of Scripture. As leaders in the church, the pastoral team
has a responsibility to teach these truths, both in premarital counseling and
in sermons.
Preachers should preach the word as it is
and ensure that their personal biases do not reflect in their teachings. An
abused woman once complained that the church has never helped. “All I ever
heard was that the woman has to be submissive. It never taught the next thing,
that the husband is to love his wife as his own body. I never heard those
verses in Church. I did not even know they were in the Bible until I read them
at home myself”.
3.
Intervening
when the signs of domestic abuse are recognized – the signs of abuse are
not always manifest by bruises and wounds. Quite often, they are much more
subtle. That is why the pastoral teams need to be trained to recognize a number
of possible signs like those listed below:
.
A woman in your church gives a suspicious reason for the cause of her bruises.
.
That same woman seems to keep having bruises that raise questions from others.
.
A victim blames herself for her bruises, claiming she is simply careless.
.
A victim seems frequently anxious
.
A once-vital member is slipping away into depression.
.
A woman seems overly passive or withdrawn.
.
You spot control issues in a relationship.
.
A woman is constantly putting herself down.
.
Frequent church hopping
All these may not necessarily be signs of
abuse but right training will heighten sensitivity to situations that simply
are not right. When it is recognized that something is not right, the victim
should be taken aside and questioned. Her answers could be challenged if they
raise suspicions, and she should be assured of confidentiality and safety.
4.
Provide
Safety for the Victim(s) – Safety should be provided for the abused person
and children caught in the middle of the cross fire. It should be realized that
the children may also be abuse victims. Even if they are not being hit,
children are damaged emotionally by seeing violence between their parents. If
she’s not ready to leave the relationship, it should be recommended that she develop
an emergency plan for getting away from her abuser safely. Her emergency plan
should include a kit with cash, bank records, medications, a change of clothing
for herself and her children, and their birth certificates.
The church should have a safe place known
only to a select few where abuse victims can hide their emergency supplies.
5.
Counseling
– Whenever a woman reports charges of abuse, she should be listened to. She
should be believed and the counselor should not try to downplay the gravity of
what has happened. She should be assured of help and confidentiality of
information shared.
a. Try
to understand and take care not to blame the victim. Tell her that she is not alone
and that there are many women in her situation. Give her time to talk and don’t
push her into giving details that she is not ready to give. Acknowledge that
she is in a frightening and difficult situation.
b. If
she has suffered any physical harm, offer to accompany her to the hospital.
c. Tell
her that no one deserves to be abused and that nothing she can say or do can
justify the abuse.
d. Tell
her she is not the cause of the abusive behaviour, that she deserves to be
treated with respect. Tell her also that she deserves a safe and happy life and
that her children deserve a safe and happy life too. Look after yourself while
you are supporting someone through such a difficult and emotional time.
e. Ensure
that you do not let yourself be seen as a threat to their relationship.
6.
The
abuser should be held accountable – The abuser should be helped and prayers
could be offered for him. However, the abuser should not be let off the hook by
minimizing the gravity of what he has done. He should be made to understand
that he must take responsibility for his actions. He is 100% responsible for
the violence he perpetrated. Nothing his wife or kids did, and nothing in the
Scriptures, justifies his action. Make sure he understands this and that his
behaviour is sinful. Violence is unacceptable.
7.
Disciplinary
Actions – The sin of violence/ abuse upon the wife should be punished in
the church. Such people involved, should be suspended from church positions and
responsibilities like deacons, heads of departments and ministers. This should also
be part of the qualifications of a church leader.
8.
Reconciliation
– Before reconciling both parties, the following must be in place:
a. Show clear evidence of repentance and
remorse – He must have started and completed the counseling programme put
in place for him. He must also have carried out all disciplinary measure meted
out for him by the church. All these will be clear signs of a truly repented
man.
b. Confessed his sins – After proper and
genuine repentance, confession of sins should follow. The man should be made to
confess his sin of abuse privately before the family and the church leadership.
This will serve as an important benchmark of accountability when he is tempted
to be violent again.
c. Promise to change – If a man genuinely
feels bad with a sense of guilt for doing something wrong, the next step is to
make an affirmation not to do such again. In fact at this point, steps should
be taken to undo the evils done before. Such promise should be made not only to
the wife but before the family and church leaders.
d. Forgiveness – This is on the part of
the abused. Genuine reconciliation cannot take place if there is no genuine
forgiveness on the party of the victim ( 1 John 1:9). Though forgiveness does
not mean forgetfulness of the hurt, it will aid forgetfulness, and
forgetfulness will aid the healing of the hurts and emotional wounds. If God
forgives our sins, why won’t we forgive those who hurt us?
e. Relearning process: In a situation
where the abuse spans a long period of time in the marriage relationship, it
has to take both parties to begin to learn and adjust to the new style of
living in the house. They have to learn a new way of response, interaction and
also develop a new level of commitment to each other. Both have to help each
other to hold to their promise – not to bully anymore and to forgive the abuse.
Reconciliation may however be difficult for the following
reasons:
1.
Unrepentant
abuser: A situation where an abuser does not consider his action as wrong
or sinful, the tendency for such abuse not to repeat itself cannot be
guaranteed. In such a case, the abused is not safe to return to the house.
2.
Destruction
of the essence of the woman: The act of brutality on the woman communicates
more to the woman than the physical pain she experiences. The abuse hits more
on her essence. It conveys to her that she is worthless. And this cuts deep
into her than anything else. An abused woman has this to say, “I have gone
through a grieving process, because something has been lost. I felt a deep pain
over the fact that we never had the kind of marriage we could have. Something
was destroyed and I have had to give up the dream that we could ever have it
back”.
… To be continued.
Pastor Tunde Mabinuori is the Minister-in-Charge,
Rhema Chapel International Churches, Oluyole Estate, Ibadan.
babatundemabinuori@gmail.com
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